Cheap Thrills and Fallacies

Interesting night tonight. Not particularly epic, but significant nonetheless. The sort of night you experience no sense of awareness and leaves you lingering with questions. 

I finally met Jaclyn's love interest, let's call him "garbear". We saw his improv comedy troupe perform tonight at the NCT. I fell in love with one of the guys he was competing against, his name is Gavin. Ok, more like in lust, but the use of the word "lust" kills the dramatization of reality. Anyway, a very handsome guy. After the show Jaclyn, "garbear" and I went and got gellato. All three of us got Tahitian Vanilla and I pointed out just how boring the three of us were. Of course, I had to argue that I got mine with a shot of espresso, thus making me slightly more interesting than them. Ha Ha. Anyway, the conversation was slightly awkward at times, but that's always expected when trying to get to know someone knew. I learned a few things about "garbear". He liked comedy (of course), he's majoring in Creative Writing, we're alike in a lot of ways, he's into Japanese culture, the sweater he was wearing was a second-hand present from someone who didn't like it, he surfs, his town has ranchers, he's 21, sleeps early, has a swimmer's tan, unfortunately likes Crank and Crank 2, reads mangas and other graphic novels, plays drums, and has potential like everyone else. 

Eventually we had to head back home. Fil was over at Geneva when Jaclyn and I got back. As always Fil teased me about some guy I have been involved with or currently involved with. We split for a little bit, while Jaclyn and I went and got a burrito. I ended up hanging out with Fil and the gang till 4 in the morning. Typical. What would I do without these people? 

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Decided to go get a Coke at the vending machine in the laundry room with Fil and Stella. I had a panic attack when I realized that one, UCSD doesn't sell Coke, and secondly there was a fucking beetle in the room. I used Stella as a shield and got the fuck out of there. We ended up talking outside of Geneva a little bit. After a while Adam and his friend whose name I can't spell (and who I think is an ass) came outside and played frisbee adjacent to where we were. 

Secretly I wanted them to notice us, just so we can all converse and maybe become acquainted. It's 4am after all and the whole world is sleeping... and I always crave attention and connections. Maybe it was just pure speculation on my part, but I noticed that the frisbee kept flying closer and closer to us. I started to think maybe they were thinking the same thing as me as well. Sadly, no... not really. 

I started to walk Fil to his car when Adam stops me and says "Hey, wanna catch this?" and throws me his frisbee. I say, "sure". 

"Do you want me to throw it back?"

"Yeah"

"I don't know, I'm really horrible"

I throw it back, and fail miserably. 

I start to walk over where the frisbee wrongly landed and attempted to throw it back to his friend and lamely fail again. I end up walking closer to his friend since my aim is unreliable, obviously. I hand him back his frisbee and he asks me "where's your friend?". "Jaclyn? She's sleeping" "Nice..." dont know what he meant by that, but I'm sure it's something that would make her happy... that he asked about her. Too bad I think he's an ass with alterior motives.

So what's significant about any of this? 

Well, as I began to walk back over to Fil, Adam strides over to me and gives me an intense hug asking me how I was doing. I could only say "good", because what else was there to say? 

Then we parted and he had this cute, boyish smile on his face, seemingly full of wonderment from my perspective. He asked, "Do I know you?". For a second I didn't know what to say or how to feel, but knew that I should have been offended or at least creeped out that he did everything he just did though he didn't even know who I was. Despite it all though, I wasn't offended. It was just the look on his face and his persona that made me feel at ease. Instead of being appalled and everything else I was supposed to be, I was just curious. I was curious about this guy. He seems like a free spirit. Like me. I can appreciate that.

Shortly though, he remembered who I was. "Of course I know you! We played beer pong and watched Arrested Development together!" I don't remember much after that, which is weird because all this just happened an hour ago. I guess it's my selective memory. Or maybe, that was all I was meant to remember. And I guess it should have made me happy that he remembered who I was, or even just comforted, but I didn't. I just smiled inwardly and felt surreal. Some ridiculous part of me just wanted to get to know this guy. He seems like he's hiding something, something bigger than he is. Will we ever have a title to each other? Friend, acquaintance, enemy, frenemy, etc.? All of me says, yes. 

i exist.

i want meaning to my existence.

i wish to be that person again who had so much to say, so many ideas, had so much to offer. i don't want to be silent anymore. i wish my mind wasn't on the verge of explosion.

Simple Pleasures

Watched parts of Amelie after class today. It inspired me to indulge in simple pleasures, like it always does. So what's the first thing I do? I decide I wanted to cook something delicious for lunch. Just slaved over making vegan curry to find out that I'm suddenly not even hungry. Also, note to self: Don't leave curry unattended when making it with vegan meatballs... they don't hold up well. The meatballs ended up looking like some sort of ground beef instead with a couple balls here and there. Still delicious however. 

Another fail of the day... wanted to venture off to Balboa Park to take pictures with my point/shoot Cannon and find inspiration for my VIS70 project, only to realize that I left it at home in Chula Vista. 

Not to be oppressed by unperceived consequences though, I realize this was an excuse for me to drive down and stop by Mille Feuille and get some lethally delicious french macaroons at Hilcrest. Perhaps I can even watch a movie at Landmark. Haven't been there in a while. 

Sometimes I forget how to live a fulfilling life. I've been indulging in way too many unhealthy habits lately; not sleeping (literally... 48 hours of no sleep prior to last night), not eating (for like 16 hours! wtf was wrong with me?), drinking an absurd amount of coffee (probably will not give this addiction up, ever), i've developed a minute drug addiction, and avoiding people.

Thank you Amelie, thank you film, and thank you to all the great filmmakers out there who spark up my day, everyday. 

In my shoes.

Collisions

Life has been a tease lately. It should be shunned. 

Every moment seems to be some sort of teaser that will lead to something utterly significant. The wait is agonizing; the space in between is suffocating. 

So many things and moments I've often daydreamed about are somehow all becoming reality. It's amazing, but I've always had the ability to imagine something and have it become real somehow. It's absurd, I can't explain it. There have always been strangers I've observed from apart and fantasized about... what would life be like with them in it? Will it be better? Worse? Intolerable? What role will they play in my next breakdown, moment of failure and depression? Will they make me happier? Are they just fillers? Are we to share an insignificant moment that will ironically define my life? Will I live differently? Will I become a different person? Did my last relationship end to make room for these people? Was my last ultimate low in life necessary to manipulate my perception of the world in order to better conect with these new people? If so, why? Why do I need to connect with these people? What does it all mean? Why does everything have to mean something, what's with humanity's obsession with significance?

Maybe it's just me.

Someone told me once that I overanalyze everything. They told me I should stop trying to make sense of everything; everything is just a passing moment. I find this person to be a dumbass. 

Why do collisions happen? Whenever I run into a person I don't know very well or avoid I think of the line from a Rites of Spring song; "thoughts collide without a sound". That's how I feel when I'm in proximity to these "strangers". Our thoughts collide without a sound. The lack of tangible interaction is replaced by something more profound; the silent collision of thoughts that will drive both of us to the edge of wonderment. Is that a word? 

I should post more pictures on here. Most of the time I'm lazy. "Images serve as truths while sound creates the lies". I guess it's kind of like how people lie to you but the look on their face says it all. 

To learn to love you must learn to live.

This really made me burst into tears today... sort of, but it wouldn't come out. haha Figures.

Why do people fall out of love? Is everything so fickle? When you're in the moment, it all makes sense, but when it all begins to fall apart and ends... you end up like this guy. Makes you wonder why you can't just work and work to put things back together. Why are other things and people worth more than another? Is it really because life is about trials and errors that we become ok to let go of things? Maybe sometimes we need to find the beauty in something that's broken and just learn to embrace it and love it even more... but that's not the case. We all move on. Why? I really don't know. As far as I know, I'm transient.

I feel like I need to watch this movie. The womanizing brother is all sorts of mhmmmmmmm heeeellloooo...!