Transformation

it's funny how image(s) can transform something. i never really fully appreciated The Arcade Fire's "Wake Up" till after seeing the trailer for Where the Wild Things Are.

i often wonder about transformations and coincidences. it's as if the summation of these things or the collision of all these things become the essence of life or what it means to live.

I Don't Mind

2:48AM;

I wonder who else is awake. I wonder what sort of people are awake at this hour. What do we have in common I wonder. It's such a random time to be awake, just like every other hour in the day, every other minute, every other second. I wonder why they're awake, what they're thinking of, what they're doing.

Sometimes when I wander away from reality and explore the daydream world where my thoughts take me, I realize just how ridiculous I am... and then I stop for a moment and think just how almost not ridiculous anything is at all.

500 days of june gloom

Pain. Animosity. Something, anything ugly; it makes you feel like you've learned. Learned about life.

People try arrange things for you, force things on you, to reconnect broken bonds, piece together shattered glass... but really, it's just another infliction of cruelty through self-righteousness and ignorance... a neglect of my feelings.

Summer Doldrums

Summer has finally hit that inevitable point where the excitement of what's new and what's possibly ahead has long perished. I want to go back to school, I want new classes, new friends, and that ever naive freshman girl is back once again filled with false hopes of... romance.

Classes start again on Wednesday for me. Maybe I'll meet a friend? An enemy? A frenemy?

I want a lover I don't have to love.

Wednesday afternoons mean enjoying a hammerhead at Perk's and looking out into oblivion, only to be distracted by attractive passerbys. 

growing up

growing up scars you

it means having to accept things with no regret and learn not to feel

you become this giant tumor of everything that is bad and eventually harden into an unbreakable substance... because well, there's nothing left to break anyway. 

you find out that the things you care about will not necessarily make life better or easier or make life worthwhile, they simply just define life itself. 

growing up is just a montage of everything that's happened. it replays everything you've done and what everyone's done to you... and in the end it's all just painful. then you learn to accept that it's painful and you're not so bothered anymore. after all, what do others matter? there's only you. you die alone. i die alone. we all do. so what's the use? 

we grow up and learn to appreciate each other, but only because the relationships you make and all the pleasant memories are just fillers, meant to be comforting. but not permanently. everything is fickle.

yeah, i know. it's depressing. i'm the purest form of pessimism. 

image is truth, sound is fiction

you can fabricate lies with your words, but i've seen the truth in your eyes

l-o-v-e

I read a girl's blog today. She wonders why Asian couples last for so long. She speculates that it's because they can't get enough of one another, that they have some sort of secret. I don't think it's really a secret. Asian couples are boring, not dynamic. Asian couples tend to get too comfortable and content. It's not a bad thing, but it doesn't lead anywhere, it all just turns to compassion in the end. It becomes all about security rather than love. It's not that great love you used to imagine about for hours alone in your room as a little girl. 

As for me, I'm alright with turbulence. May there be more break ups coming my way. Break ups only teach us to love more strongly anyway. To love ourselves, to love others, and that special significant other. 

Cheap Thrills and Fallacies

Interesting night tonight. Not particularly epic, but significant nonetheless. The sort of night you experience no sense of awareness and leaves you lingering with questions. 

I finally met Jaclyn's love interest, let's call him "garbear". We saw his improv comedy troupe perform tonight at the NCT. I fell in love with one of the guys he was competing against, his name is Gavin. Ok, more like in lust, but the use of the word "lust" kills the dramatization of reality. Anyway, a very handsome guy. After the show Jaclyn, "garbear" and I went and got gellato. All three of us got Tahitian Vanilla and I pointed out just how boring the three of us were. Of course, I had to argue that I got mine with a shot of espresso, thus making me slightly more interesting than them. Ha Ha. Anyway, the conversation was slightly awkward at times, but that's always expected when trying to get to know someone knew. I learned a few things about "garbear". He liked comedy (of course), he's majoring in Creative Writing, we're alike in a lot of ways, he's into Japanese culture, the sweater he was wearing was a second-hand present from someone who didn't like it, he surfs, his town has ranchers, he's 21, sleeps early, has a swimmer's tan, unfortunately likes Crank and Crank 2, reads mangas and other graphic novels, plays drums, and has potential like everyone else. 

Eventually we had to head back home. Fil was over at Geneva when Jaclyn and I got back. As always Fil teased me about some guy I have been involved with or currently involved with. We split for a little bit, while Jaclyn and I went and got a burrito. I ended up hanging out with Fil and the gang till 4 in the morning. Typical. What would I do without these people? 

---

Decided to go get a Coke at the vending machine in the laundry room with Fil and Stella. I had a panic attack when I realized that one, UCSD doesn't sell Coke, and secondly there was a fucking beetle in the room. I used Stella as a shield and got the fuck out of there. We ended up talking outside of Geneva a little bit. After a while Adam and his friend whose name I can't spell (and who I think is an ass) came outside and played frisbee adjacent to where we were. 

Secretly I wanted them to notice us, just so we can all converse and maybe become acquainted. It's 4am after all and the whole world is sleeping... and I always crave attention and connections. Maybe it was just pure speculation on my part, but I noticed that the frisbee kept flying closer and closer to us. I started to think maybe they were thinking the same thing as me as well. Sadly, no... not really. 

I started to walk Fil to his car when Adam stops me and says "Hey, wanna catch this?" and throws me his frisbee. I say, "sure". 

"Do you want me to throw it back?"

"Yeah"

"I don't know, I'm really horrible"

I throw it back, and fail miserably. 

I start to walk over where the frisbee wrongly landed and attempted to throw it back to his friend and lamely fail again. I end up walking closer to his friend since my aim is unreliable, obviously. I hand him back his frisbee and he asks me "where's your friend?". "Jaclyn? She's sleeping" "Nice..." dont know what he meant by that, but I'm sure it's something that would make her happy... that he asked about her. Too bad I think he's an ass with alterior motives.

So what's significant about any of this? 

Well, as I began to walk back over to Fil, Adam strides over to me and gives me an intense hug asking me how I was doing. I could only say "good", because what else was there to say? 

Then we parted and he had this cute, boyish smile on his face, seemingly full of wonderment from my perspective. He asked, "Do I know you?". For a second I didn't know what to say or how to feel, but knew that I should have been offended or at least creeped out that he did everything he just did though he didn't even know who I was. Despite it all though, I wasn't offended. It was just the look on his face and his persona that made me feel at ease. Instead of being appalled and everything else I was supposed to be, I was just curious. I was curious about this guy. He seems like a free spirit. Like me. I can appreciate that.

Shortly though, he remembered who I was. "Of course I know you! We played beer pong and watched Arrested Development together!" I don't remember much after that, which is weird because all this just happened an hour ago. I guess it's my selective memory. Or maybe, that was all I was meant to remember. And I guess it should have made me happy that he remembered who I was, or even just comforted, but I didn't. I just smiled inwardly and felt surreal. Some ridiculous part of me just wanted to get to know this guy. He seems like he's hiding something, something bigger than he is. Will we ever have a title to each other? Friend, acquaintance, enemy, frenemy, etc.? All of me says, yes. 

i exist.

i want meaning to my existence.

i wish to be that person again who had so much to say, so many ideas, had so much to offer. i don't want to be silent anymore. i wish my mind wasn't on the verge of explosion.

Simple Pleasures

Watched parts of Amelie after class today. It inspired me to indulge in simple pleasures, like it always does. So what's the first thing I do? I decide I wanted to cook something delicious for lunch. Just slaved over making vegan curry to find out that I'm suddenly not even hungry. Also, note to self: Don't leave curry unattended when making it with vegan meatballs... they don't hold up well. The meatballs ended up looking like some sort of ground beef instead with a couple balls here and there. Still delicious however. 

Another fail of the day... wanted to venture off to Balboa Park to take pictures with my point/shoot Cannon and find inspiration for my VIS70 project, only to realize that I left it at home in Chula Vista. 

Not to be oppressed by unperceived consequences though, I realize this was an excuse for me to drive down and stop by Mille Feuille and get some lethally delicious french macaroons at Hilcrest. Perhaps I can even watch a movie at Landmark. Haven't been there in a while. 

Sometimes I forget how to live a fulfilling life. I've been indulging in way too many unhealthy habits lately; not sleeping (literally... 48 hours of no sleep prior to last night), not eating (for like 16 hours! wtf was wrong with me?), drinking an absurd amount of coffee (probably will not give this addiction up, ever), i've developed a minute drug addiction, and avoiding people.

Thank you Amelie, thank you film, and thank you to all the great filmmakers out there who spark up my day, everyday. 

In my shoes.

Collisions

Life has been a tease lately. It should be shunned. 

Every moment seems to be some sort of teaser that will lead to something utterly significant. The wait is agonizing; the space in between is suffocating. 

So many things and moments I've often daydreamed about are somehow all becoming reality. It's amazing, but I've always had the ability to imagine something and have it become real somehow. It's absurd, I can't explain it. There have always been strangers I've observed from apart and fantasized about... what would life be like with them in it? Will it be better? Worse? Intolerable? What role will they play in my next breakdown, moment of failure and depression? Will they make me happier? Are they just fillers? Are we to share an insignificant moment that will ironically define my life? Will I live differently? Will I become a different person? Did my last relationship end to make room for these people? Was my last ultimate low in life necessary to manipulate my perception of the world in order to better conect with these new people? If so, why? Why do I need to connect with these people? What does it all mean? Why does everything have to mean something, what's with humanity's obsession with significance?

Maybe it's just me.

Someone told me once that I overanalyze everything. They told me I should stop trying to make sense of everything; everything is just a passing moment. I find this person to be a dumbass. 

Why do collisions happen? Whenever I run into a person I don't know very well or avoid I think of the line from a Rites of Spring song; "thoughts collide without a sound". That's how I feel when I'm in proximity to these "strangers". Our thoughts collide without a sound. The lack of tangible interaction is replaced by something more profound; the silent collision of thoughts that will drive both of us to the edge of wonderment. Is that a word? 

I should post more pictures on here. Most of the time I'm lazy. "Images serve as truths while sound creates the lies". I guess it's kind of like how people lie to you but the look on their face says it all. 

To learn to love you must learn to live.

This really made me burst into tears today... sort of, but it wouldn't come out. haha Figures.

Why do people fall out of love? Is everything so fickle? When you're in the moment, it all makes sense, but when it all begins to fall apart and ends... you end up like this guy. Makes you wonder why you can't just work and work to put things back together. Why are other things and people worth more than another? Is it really because life is about trials and errors that we become ok to let go of things? Maybe sometimes we need to find the beauty in something that's broken and just learn to embrace it and love it even more... but that's not the case. We all move on. Why? I really don't know. As far as I know, I'm transient.

I feel like I need to watch this movie. The womanizing brother is all sorts of mhmmmmmmm heeeellloooo...! 

New Ways of Thinking

Be insightful. 

Do something positive everyday. 

Try to experience life with a smile each day.

"the pains of being pure at heart"

first off, love the band. secondly, it's true. there are pains of being pure at heart. 

i'm young and certainly my view of the world and humanity is limited, but there are just certain undeniable things. somedays, like today, i just become overwhelmed with the amount of goodness and "pure-hearted" people i have in my life. some i've known my whole life, some a few years, and some that are just "acquaintances" and "strangers" that have visited my life. i'm not keen on naming names but i am thankful to everyone in some way or another. "nothing of me is original, i am the combined effort of everyone i've ever known". i'm not a big fan of chuck p. but that quote definitely resonates with me. 

it's march 17th 2009 and life is transient, transcending to something good and meaningful. the connections i'm making with this vast world are becoming stronger and stronger; the ambiguous meaning of life is becoming more clear. irony? paradox? i love it all.

"it's not a tent, it's a teepee"

The thought that made me laugh today:

Park ranger: "Please take down your tent"

Anonymous: "It's not a tent, it's a teepee"

I love laughing at simple things. Lately, I've been into the ambiguous and simplicity. I realize both are conflicting ideas. There is nothing seemingly simple about ambiguity or ambiguous about simplicity. Yet, at some point both begin to intertwine and an element of synchronicity arises. When I think of life this way, it's as if nothing is that simple. Everything seems to have a level of synchronicity; the simple and the complex. It's almost as if everything is just a fantasy. No, better yet... life is driven by fantasy. There is no plot; it's our fantasies which drive life's meaning. 

life is like a broken treadmill...

it won't stop till you pull the plug.

I am currently writing a paper for my film class. It deals with surrealism, fantasy, and to an extent... connections I guess. I decided it was fitting to post an entry about the assignment for this matter. 

Anyway, it's focused on two films; Mulholland Drive and Chungking Express. I honestly hated Mulholland Drive. I know, there's something wrong with me. Chungking Express was more pleasurable to watch in my opinion. I don't really see Mulholland as surrealist by any means. Maybe the imaginative plane that its characters seem to be existing on is surreal. Betty Elms's delusions seem rather surreal... I guess.

great forces are at work.

me: "how has life been?"

him: "hm, kinda shitty. i can't lie."

me: "well, i'm glad you can be honest to me about it"

i posted my favorite quote yesterday. "be bold-- and great forces will come to your aid". i was bold this morning, and maybe just maybe... goethe was right, great forces did come to my aid. 

i had this conversation today with a friend. we've never really hung out or seen much of each other really. in fact, we rarely get the chance to even talk. i guess though, when we do... it's honest. he told me about his life, and how he's unhappy all the time. he's told me several times about how he feels this way, but i've never really had the courage to reach out. somehow today though, after all these years i was able to just relax and let go; i was honest. i told him how i've always wanted to be his friend way back then and that i never had the courage. 

now i feel like what was already established long ago, that odd and unexplainable connection we always had was finally defined today.

what is there left to do? see each other. we agreed. 

Goethe

"Be bold-- and mighty forces will come to your aid."

life is a maze, love is a riddle

Valentine's Day. This holiday makes me question all other holidays. I have a friend who doesn't celebrate most holidays that I know of. I get her now. Everyday should be a holiday, not just one day. There shouldn't be a designated day for love or dressing up or giving. 

existentialism with strangers

meeting new people is always the thrill.

last nights was one of those nights that would/should have ended at a coffee shop long after the dark sky has disappeared into slumber and the sunlight has just woken up. you sit around and converse with new friends/former strangers.

edit.

La Vie en Lundi

Reminded me of Picasso, Matisse and Primitivism all at once. 

For a while now I've been trying to figure out what to do with my Mondays. It used to end in unproductivity after countless hours of contemplation on "what should i do?". Last Monday I decided a bus ride to nowhere would be nice. I ended up here somehow. Ok, so I got off at the same stop as the guy I thought was cute. I'll post his picture later today.

guy with a 20 second stare

as i was walking out of my film class tonight i make eye contact with this guy in an army green parka... 

it wasn't the usual awkward glance. this lasted for like 20 seconds. i'm still a little puzzled.

Somebody That I Used to Know

I was reading this new blog I found the other night and the post was about this girl's recent break up (www.thefrisky.com). It was a long distance one she said so it wasn't so awkward. Then she mentioned Elliot Smith's "Somebody That I Used to Know". She said that it was a sad yet also cold song. 

I never thought of the song as cold, but I guess I can see it now. That's really how life is though. You can't keep everyone. What I mean to say is, you can't be a pack rat when it comes to people. Just like with inanimate objects. It'll take up too much room and pretty soon you have no space left. Everything will eventually cave in. 

So what's the connection between this girl and me? I realized that recently or maybe even all this time... I'm a minimalist. At least when it comes to people. Although, I wouldn't say I'm a cold person, like how the song may be perceived. 

In life, I'm only realistic about one thing; people. Hmm, or at least the relationships you have with people. 

Can you tell this is a shoe??

Tunnels

I went for a walk tonight with a friend. 

We were on a search of the underground tunnels. We finally found it at this place people refer to as "the hump". After realizing how heavy the entrance was to lift, we "put it on hold"; giving up is not an option. Instead, we went in search for all the other entrances. The last one we visited was at Sungod. There was a little hill there. I decided we should roll down the hill. It was my first time, I loved it. It made me wish for more hills to roll down on. 

We talked about life's coincidences and all its irony. 

I keep seeing this guy, "bike boy". We always cross paths. Constantly. I have his number now, but I haven't called. I'm working up the courage.